Morbius (Stephany Mayers' vamps are old story, have you checked out Mobius zombie-vampires?)

You ask for it and here it is. A review for "Morbius", possibly the most controversial depiction of vamps since twilight

 Dr. Morbius is one of these genius kids, as proven by the fact that he bridged a fuse from a dialysis machine, which according to the orphanage's director is equally meritorious to the "team of scientists" that build it.

 If you ask me, judging by the resolve of the kid a couple of roommates had gone stiff for him to learn how to pull the stunt.

 And as all Marvel genius boys that through some fortune chance get ahold of an unparalleled amount of funding, he does some lab experiment, obviously, concerning mixing human DNA with some animal's, that goes wrong and he ends up as some sort of mixture between Dracula and Batman.

 He has this over-the-top morality and makes a promise to kill his brain-dead killer vampire friend and then commit suicide because vampires are cursed, blah blah, which he fails to fulfill.

 I mean, If instead of the kickass scene of the vampire superhero with his vampire GF using that nonsense sonar ability to... do something, they had a sad scene of a dead dude, the movie would be a bummer, and we wouldn't have the post-credit cliffhanger for the sequel, in which some gay randomly pop into existence and yells "I'm Alan Moore!" Like that's supposed to mean anything. 

The best and most believable character would be Mobius priorly limp friend, who despite being brain dead still makes the most out of being a vampire, unlike Mobius himself.

Everything everywhere at once (Maybe do one thing right instead of everything wrong. Say no to multitasking)

 Terrible title, entices the viewer with a good trailer showing you how the first third of the movie is, imaginative and filled with action... but hiding the other hour and a half of tedium with half-baked life advice to the extreme of literally putting a scene of two rocks talking to each other with subtitles 

Real unedited scene from the movie. You can't make this shit up. 

Pearl (More bad horror)

You'd think it's a great movie with this cover but no

 Just like X, while Pearl has the components to be a good movie, the final result is dull, going on about sex and sexuality, and sexual repression. While the lead actress carries the film on her back, it's still not enough to make the movie good or enjoyable. It's still better than X and I give it a solid 'mediocre' 

Orphan: First Kill

 

The orphan seeing how viewers mistake her as a human being even though she's in super max security to the point they made an entire facility only to contain her

Completely different from the original movie, the scriptwriter somehow manages to make the psycho monster some kind of tragic hero in the quest for love. Very entertaining and enjoyable, with plot twists and art. 

Asylum of Fear (What people that don't like horror think when you say "horror movie")

So bad, so amateurish, Asylum of fear has everything a movie shouldn't have. Poor illumination, terrible, histrionic actors, homemade, overly pretentious special effects, awful setting, no character development, disgusting script, and total lack of rhythm. Somehow, the movie feels like it lasts too long and yet like it was cut short, with an open finale waiting for a sequel that will never come. It's so, so bad I felt like it was a parody of not only horror but all movies.

The evil head physician getting his handgun snatched by an infant was just it.

 There was some kind of strange enjoyment in seeing what next screw-up the actors would make, but the ones that surely didn't find it funny were the actors themselves. That movie ruined their careers. 3/10 for the funny moments

"He's coming! He's coming!" -Random madman ghost 

Bones and all (The crew was so displeased with the movie they couldn't even come up with a decent title)

 The movie has all ingredients for success. Cannibalism, love, death, betrayal, obsession... But the final result is it's dull. 

For those that come after, do judge by the covers. Judge the hell outta that book, or anything really.

There's no spark in the movie, only a slightly dramatic romance. The scenes that should be more shocking, due to lack of effects and very poor musicalization, are amongst the most boring.

 I mean, a guy is getting ripped to pieces, eaten alive. Coldplay doesn't seem to cut it, am I right?

Plus, it's way too long. I don't want to be mean and say that it should be one hour shorter, but the director should shave off at least half an hour of meaningless scenes, too long or attempting to be artistic. 

Dead cells (nope)

 A mishmash of other games and dead cells brings nothing new to the table but more overly difficult monsters in a soul-like landscape.

 Plus for the art and the weapon ideas, minus all the plagiarism bordering references and the repetitive map looping. 4/10

Risk of rain, 11/23 Risk of Rain Returns (remake?)

Everything about the game would be perfect, the art, the variety of passives and characters, the zones and statues, and even the bosses. 

But the difficulty is off the charts! In easy mode, the monsters don't spawn, and in intermediate and hard, the game forces you into a rush that simply can't be enjoyed. 

4/10

When I saw someone made a remake of the game I hoped the difficulty problem was fixed... Instead, it's like someone grabbed Risk of Rain and took everything that made it interesting, leaving an empty money-grubbing shell. The pick ups are mostly gone, there are very few of them and those who remain are not game changers like it used to be. 1/10

All Knives out

The movie is rather slow, and boring until halfway through. Then, the plot twist gives it a second life that takes the viewer to the end of it. I didn't like any of the characters nor empathized with them, neither the overly dramatic, haughty crime writer, not the goody-two-shoes of a nurse, not the sherlock holmes wannabe, and much less the narcissistic family members, full of themselves and filling the film with their irrelevant affairs. I do congratulate the originality of the movie's structure. 6/10

Bullet Train (Action Comedy at its finest)

 

Perfect action/comedy movie! Rounded, and so thrilling that the director could easily afford the long duration of the film without compromising its quality. Original and funny, even if it's insensitive to potentially offensive archetypical depictions of Mexicans and Japanese.