Tarot (Horror movie, sort of slayer too)


  

  Final Destination meets Tarot cards in this movie, where we'll see you usual bunch of disgusting lessers doing what they do best: being annoying. Fortunately for us, they just happen to stumble upon a cursed deck of tarot cards that harbor the spirit of some weepy astrologist that got killed by the local Lord when the suspiciously accurate reading didn't turn in his favor. Didn't saw that one coming, eh? Some oracle, that one. 


 After a lot of unnecessary explanations about divination that no one cares about while watching a fantasy movie, the blonde girl that just happens to know how to read tarot proceeds to read everyone's fortune, effectively dooming all of them. Well... Not really. Worth of note: the readings are quite boring and obviously pointing to a very concise type of death, like "Water under the bridge" "might throw you off the stairs'' "Don't get hung up on things", while the interesting part, meaning the custom creepy tarot cards are barely displayed.

 After the group realizes that they're being picked up and that her friend getting rammed to death with collapsible stairs is not quite an "accident", which is more than the "police" noticed, they proceed to contact the fabled forbidden astrologist, master of the dark arts, ban and vilified by the entire Tarot community, maybe wanted by the Illuminati for her dangerous grasp on the universe's secrets, which also happens to be the third link on google, address listed too. Seems legit.  

 The hag doesn't really know much other than the cards are at fault, which was kind of obvious, and tells the group to destroy them, while purposefully withstanding the extremely relevant information that to do so you need to set up some magic circle with a bunch of stones and some other stuff. When the now reduced group sees that, apparently, destroying a cursed object by throwing it in the fireplace isn't going to work (does this people never watched a single horror movie in their lives?) they call the hag, and no doubt pay her handsomely for her presence. 

 The scheme didn't quite work as the hag dies miserably while "battling" the spirit in a scene reminiscent of Spiderman turning to ash after Thanos' snap. Then the Director realized that the movie was coming a little short since all those filler dialogues about how Tarot works and Astrology signs didn't manage to add enough minutes so he shoves scenes of the characters hiding for more than ten minutes. The monster literally stalling for time by retreating from the camera and then showing up again, over and over. At some point the black guy "gets killed" and thrown off a second floor, yet manages to survive and show up in time to save the protagonist from the classic bad-guy-choking-hero scene. Eventually they vanquish the spirit by reading her cards, and while the monster was looking at the protagonist like "You dare use my own spells against me, Potter?" and the audience yelling "Didn't you say it was the spirit that made the curse take effect? What is she gonna do? Kill herself?" all the while blondie saying obvious stuff like "I can see you're in pain!" "You won't let yourself be healed!". Eventually the spirit cringes so much it self-explodes, just in time to save the black guy from dying, again.

 While walking back to the nearest town, blondie realizes is going to be a long walk without their Tesla car, and a character we thought dead miraculously resurrects to give them a lift. 

I'd say the first half is sort of decent, entertaining at least but they stretch the movie too much making the film lackluster and the "character resurrects at the end" is definitively an ending ruiner 

No comments:

Post a Comment

Introducing NO HOPE rating system

The conventional five-star and ten-out-of-ten rating systems have become stale, visually uninspired, and inadequate for capturing the nuance...